2008: That’s a wrap!

I feel compelled to write something to acknowledge the end of the year, and the beginning of the next. I have been so focused on “my year” which started back in May 2008 and was technically to end in May 2009 that this New Years doesn't really feel the same as New Years Eves of the past.

Although I have to say that at this point I doubt I will make it to May ‘09 without going back to work sooner. Not because of money, in fact my budget is secure and I’ve been able to live within it and even get ahead of it actually. The reason I may go back to work sooner is because I am having a tough time not working. Perhaps that has more to do with personal things that I won't go into here because it affects more than just me, but suffice to say that these past 7 months have been a true learning experience in self-preservation more than anything else.

Working 5 days a week means you have to live within certain boundaries. You have a routine. You have demands on your time by people other than just yourself. In a lot of ways, it’s a good thing to have so many demands placed on you. It means you're needed, you're useful and people know they can depend on you. Especially if you find that you don’t demand much from yourself. And that’s me these days. While working, there are many things that just happen because of these natural boundaries: you get up early, get dressed, socialize, earn your pay, carve out time to relax, exercise, go to bed “at a decent hour” and you travel a little.

While not working, some of these things have gone by the way side entirely - like getting up early and getting dressed every day. I would say that on average I allow 8.5 to 9 hours of sleep every night compared to 6 or 7 hours while I was working. My bedtime varies anywhere from 11:00 PM to 3:00 AM - but mostly it‘s about 12:30. I naturally wake up after 8.5 to 9 hours of rest now, compared to basically sleep-walking until 10am previously. On average I take a shower and get dressed every other day, sometimes I go even longer than that, like when I’m on the boat. I‘ve gone for up to 4 days without a shower - more than once. It’s such an alien concept, I’ve never been like that before. Well, I guess I’ve never had the opportunity to be like that before. I kinda like it. If I don’t feel like getting dressed, I just don’t.

As for socializing, that has gone by the way-side to a great extent, but I've also found new avenues of socializing that are fairly rewarding too. I have my core group of girls in Charlotte to turn to, but I’ve only seen them three or four times since I left the hotel. I have my Mom at the beach, and a smattering of random marina people who would probably check in on me if they didn’t see me for a few days but knew I was here because my car is in the parking lot. I am much more “social” with strangers, in the sense that I speak to people who I ordinarily wouldn’t in places that I find myself - running errands, in shops, etc. But I would say that this has been the hardest thing to figure out in my time off, the extent of the socializing I, personally, require. I love solitude. I love quiet. I love how my cat follows me around the house. I love not having to answer the phone constantly all day long and answer questions and try to sell people on stuff (the fine art of begging without begging). But the flip side to that is - I can do it, and I’m really good at it and it's basically how I’ve made a living for all the previous years leading up to my year off. Can I really "afford" to NOT go back to that?

On the other hand, I have been able to do a lot more traveling since I stopped working. Between all the trips to the boat, I’ve traveled regionally, visiting old favorites like Charleston, Blowing Rock and Winston-Salem. I’ve explored new places like Wilmington and have really gotten to know Myrtle Beach pretty well too - especially from the water. All these places right in my backyard have lent themselves to hours of exploration. No, it’s not Mexico or the Caribbean or Europe, but I’ve been able to dig deep into these places and really experience them.

But with the New Year starting in just about an hour and a half, I feel like I’ve really got to get on the stick. It’s not without a sense of fear and self-doubt, that I wonder what on Earth is next for me. On a daily basis I wonder if I’m capable of getting back into the fast lane. I have duelling forces in my mind that constantly pull me between “you belong in the fast lane” and “you belong in the slow lane”. If only there really was such thing as a magic hat - like the one in Harry Potter - that would just tell me where I belong and I would simply go there.

Also, I wish I could speak openly about my relationship with Gary here, but I just can’t. Suffice to say that all is not well in paradise and yet my insides get all seized up at the thought of not having him to turn to, to be my best friend, and to be my happily ever after. So much of what I’ve done this year has been with him, and it’s been a wonderful, exciting, adventurous love-filled year. And even if he hasn’t been along on some of those adventures, he constantly harps on me to “give him something to read” here on the blog, and he‘s been incredibly supportive of my writing and without him giving me a roof over my head there's no way I could have taken the year off from working. It would simply have been cost prohibitive.

But the reality is that here I sit, alone, on the boat, on New Year’s Eve - recapping what I’ve taken away from my year off (so far) and he’s in Charlotte with his family. I know that it’s my choice to be here, but the choice was between “bad” or “worse” and in this case, I chose to go with “bad”.

All day today I’ve tried not to think too much about the fact that it’s New Year’s Eve and I’m here alone. I had my tea this morning after 9 hours of sleep, I watched a little Travel Channel, I caught up on emails and Facebook updates, checked my bank accounts and horoscopes, went to the gym, got Chinese take-out for lunch, and have written all evening. The way I (am trying to) see it, the fish don’t know it’s NYE. The birds don’t either, and there are so few people down here on the dock that nobody knows (or cares) that I’m here alone. But I can’t help but think about all the millions and millions of people across the world who are celebrating at parties and gatherings tonight and getting kissed at midnight by their one and only - and I’m just here having a little pity-party for one. I guess I’ll write it off to that whole “character building” thing again, and perhaps for an appreciation I’ll be feeling this time next year, when I look back and say to myself, “Can you believe that this time last year you were ALONE, on a boat, in Myrtle Beach, on New Year's Eve????? Boy how things have changed!!!!!”

Cheers to that. Happy New Year.